Confusion has overcome me. once again. and it’s chosen a most convenient time.. 3 in the morning. Sometimes i think its funny that i choose to harness my emotions into writing in the middle of the night on random ass days… but that’s besides the point.
I made a plan. A promise. A goal. and i achieved it. I felt amazing and empowered and like I could take on the world…for a brief moment. Everyone loved it. loved me. was proud of me. envious of me. admired me. and now… I’ve lost it. As quick as it came together, the quicker it fell apart. It’s almost like flashes..I can picture the exact moment where i felt untouchable and i can remember the exact moment where i felt like it all fell apart. because of that i feel like I’ve lost everything that came with that goal. the love, praise and admiration that came with that. Nothing mattered anymore, the hardwork, money, happiness. NOTHING. I stopped caring, stopped loving, stopped working. Usually when this feeling occurs i do something random and crazy. or give up and and justify it as ‘figuring things out’ but what if it’s not because i have to figure it out but that maybe if i lessen myself and my goals that people wont expect much of me and i wont let them down. then i wont have the hope that they’ll approve or love or admire me. There’ll be no chance of that. and i can live on in mediocrity and oblivion. Watching others flourish. loving others..envious of others, admiring others. and i’ll just stay, ‘figuring things out’. It doesn’t matter anymore. I have no drive. no ambition. no goals. no plan. no promise. and for the first time in a long time. I don’t give a damn. It’s a dangerous feeling and it’s gonna take a significant something or someone to change this around.